..Let’s Talk About, Carrots..

I’ve become ‘that’ parent.  The parent who states she wants to try baby led weaning this time instead of rice cereal, purees, then finger foods (if you’re lost on what baby led weaning means, as it is a strange term for letting your child feed themselves from the very start) but then once we start, babe breaks off a piece of carrot, I freak out, grabs the food from his mouth and proceed to cut it into super small pieces.

Turns out I’m petrified of Gabriel choking.  So scared I startled him more by pulling the food out of his mouth when he probably could have dealt with it himself.  Sigh.  Now I have food-related anxiety on top of everything else (aka driving, leaving them, you name it..).  Wonderful!!!  Looks like we’ll just continue to give him food we’re eating but just mush it up into little pieces and feed via a spoon.  Oh, and did I mention I also don’t trust anyone else to feed him but myself?  It’s bad but I’m working on it.  One day at a time..

..Let's Talk About, Carrots..

Don’t let these pictures fool you either, the boy LOVED carrots!!  You know, when I wasn’t forcibly yanking them out of his poor mouth.  We’ve also tried some chicken and a red pepper, which also went over well.  And a cucumber.  He seemed confused about what that was though..

..I Will Succeed..

Wednesday started out rough.  Had a difficult time getting out of bed, felt so incredibly tired and rundown that I just wanted to cancel my plans and hibernate under the covers all day.  Instead, I dragged myself up, got dressed, did my hair, makeup and made myself something to eat.  It literally took all the energy I could muster but I did it and managed to get out of the house in time to make the appointment I had at 10:45.  I indulged in a haircut, which was honestly badly badly needed anyway, but the hope was that it would help me feel better.  And I was right.  After leaving I felt a surge of positivity.  I was still feeling tired but pushed through and headed on with my day.  It would have been easier to just drive back home and curl up on the couch watching tv and surfing the net but I refused to give in.

I managed to get myself to David’s Tea (for yet another indulgence), lunch with my Mom, the flu shot clinic with Sofia, Superstore for some groceries, made some pasta sauce for dinner, and carved pumpkins with the hubby, Sofia, and my sister.  All-in-all ended up becoming a great day and I’m pretty happy I didn’t stay in bed wallowing away and gradually feeling worse as the day went on.

It’s not an easy task though.  Most times my brain overrules my mind and especially if I’m out in public, my fight-or-flight response kicks in and I’m fleeing.  Much easier to handle myself in a situation I can control.  I’m fighting through it though.  Trying to get out more and do things despite my anxiety-fleeing feelings.  I even drove on the freeway today despite the sweaty panic attack that ensued prior to embarking on the exit ramp.  One step at a time, right?  And one day at a time.  I will succeed.  I will beat this.

Thursday is a new day.  Hoping to tackle some household chores and enjoy Halloween.  Looking forward to trick-or-treating with my Fia girl and looting through her treats at the end of the night.  Did I just admit that? Ummm, … it’ll be our little secret 😉

Happy Halloween everyone!

..I Will Succeed..

..One thing to note, when you’ve just had the flu shot, it’s best not to viciously itch said arm and vulnerable area.  Ouch..

..This Is Me..

I decided to write this post today not to depress people but to get out my feelings.  I’m an anxious person and carry my heart on my sleeve WAY too much (or rather, I’m too sensitive as some would say).  I briefly mentioned in my last post how I’ve been struggling and having a rough time.  I’ve decided it’s time I talk about it openly as it’s not something you hear talked about too often (I should clarify, a lot of woman go through this but it’s not commonly talked about).

I’ve been diagnosed with prenatal depression and am currently working on getting better.  It’s a slow, slow process and every day is a different struggle for me.  Some days just getting dressed makes me so anxious I have to take a breather, never mind having a deadline or needing to be somewhere at a certain time.

There are times when I’m outright afraid of this pregnancy thing. Afraid of the tired. Afraid of the labour.of the sleepness nights…of my life changing without being able to control any of it. Your body changes so dramatically and so quickly its overwhelming. You feel different, emotions run high, it’s hard. There are amazing benefits to it as well, obviously the end result is what makes it all worth while but it’s the getting there that is frustrating and long.

I’m afraid of feeling trapped in my body, of wanting just a moments relief from the internal squashing of organs so I can breathe easy again.  I’m afraid that I still have four and a half months to go and it already takes me what feels like five minutes to pee.  I’m afraid of how big I’ll be this time around when I’m already this uncomfortable and gaining more than last time.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to hold my Fia girl on my lap much longer and it makes me sad…

I’m afraid that I complain too much and I’m not grateful enough for being pregnant.  I’m afraid I’m too truthful about things that it turns people away from me.  I just want to be me.  It sucks and it’s hard and difficult to know who to talk to and how to turn to people for help.  It’s tough to explain how exhausted and overwhelmed I feel on a daily basis.

All that being said, I am taking steps to help myself.  I can’t take care of my new baby and Sofia feeling this way and I want to be a good Mom and feel happy again.  It’ll come along, just slowly.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story…