..Found My Happy..

​I am 33.  But I feel younger.  I look at my kids sometimes and think.. they can’t be mine!  I’m not old enough to have kids yet – let alone TWO of them.  I’M NOT READY!  ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!  Then I realize I AM old enough and they’re MY responsibility.  Scary stuff.  I’m molding them into the people they’re going to be and I don’t know about you, but that’s a lot of pressure on a person!  Don’t get me wrong, I love being a Mom!  It’s one of the greatest jobs I have and those little souls mean the world to me.  I just feel like a kid some days myself and feel loaded down by responsibility.. keeping a full time job, maintaining a house, paying bills, getting out of debt, saving for the future.. if I could tell my younger self anything, it would be to slow it down.  Don’t be too excited to grow up!  ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM AND INNOCENCE! The grass isn’t totally greener on the other side, it’s just another shade of brown, with different responsibilities, worries and fears.

I no longer worry about where we’re going to party at this weekend – now it’s, how am I going to pay for my car to be fixed?  Where am I getting the money for a new furnace?  Time to book the dog’s shots and our teeth cleanings.  Better budget for groceries this week.  Not exactly the same.

Obviously this change happens to everyone and you look back and long for those days again.. but I’ve also come to realize that things aren’t THAT bad.  I feel more secure with taking care of the kids in my 30s.  I felt completely unprepared in my 20s taking care of Sofia, and this time around it wasn’t as scary.   I feel more confidant in myself and no longer really care how I look and whether I have all the new and glittery things.  I do have what matters and that is what counts.
I’ve found my happy.  In my 20’s I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, what I wanted to be when I ‘grew up’.. I still am debating with this notion but I’m getting closer to finding it.  I create and I love it!  I still work a full time job but I’m able to do what I love on the side and it makes me happy.  Fills my heart with joy.  I’ve taught myself new things and it’s exciting!
While the future is still a little scary and I’m unsure what to expect, I feel better prepared for the journey.  My kids are just not allowed to grow older.  They must stay little and cute for a long time or at least until I’m ready.. and maybe feel old?

Mom, why do you keep saying to stop growing up?  I can’t.  I have to turn 7..

..Found My Happy..

..Longing..

Today I long for..

My baby boy’s hairs back.  Now he looks like a big boy and I can no longer play with his soft locks.  The mullet is now gone but so is my baby..

Sofia’s innocence back.  She can now read and have real conversations and opinions and while it’s good, it just means she’s growing up.  And fast.  And I’m not ready!

To snuggle my boy, nuzzle my nose into his hair and breath in his baby scent.. instead it’s 2 seconds of hugs and.. sorry Mom, there are microwave buttons I need to push and a toilet to bathe in. Let’s save that hug for another time, ok?

The last year back.  Maternity leave, while stressful in it’s own way, was so much fun and I enjoyed being off with my kids.  This summer will not be the same.

A time when life wasn’t full of responsibilities, routine, meal planning and bills.  Would be nice to just let loose, not worry about financial ramifications, waking up tired and feeling like an old cranky lady.  Even a slight sleep-in would be delightful.

But alas..time continues chugging on..

..Longing..

..Struggles..

I forget sometimes that time doesn’t stop moving.  It keeps going and life keeps happening and people keep growing.  But when you seem to be stuck in one spot nothing seems to move.  Time becomes stagnant and long and never-ending.  But the people around you don’t.  Feels like you’re sitting on the sidelines watching as everyone else drifts by living their lives.  I want to reach out and grab on and ride alongside..
I went back to work in February.  From the moment I started, Gabriel has been sick three times, including two hospital visits.  My Grandma suddenly passed away.  We traveled to Regina and then Saskatoon in a two week span.  I had a sinus infection that lasted two weeks and felt like my teeth were going to fall out.  I am done.  I want my goofy boy back.  Healthy, with no runny noses, wheezy breaths or long sleepless nights.  I want to enjoy my kids and not worry if I’ll be running to the hospital again in a few week’s time.  I want to be happy and not stressed about what might be around the corner.
Staying positive is one of the toughest challenges for me.  Not that I love the negative, but it’s easy to get sucked into the vortex of unhappy thoughts and set up camp for awhile.  It’s a shift in thinking and I’m not so good at that sometimes!
How do you keep positive?  What do you do to be happy?
..struggle..

..One Month..

Gabriel is officially one month old today.  We survived!  And life with two kids?  In a nutshell…  Busy.  Tiring.  Interesting.  Some days I want to run away and others I am so happy I could split at the seams.  Not to say that it isn’t hard, because it is.  Having an active 5 year old going through Mom withdrawal and a baby attached to your hip sometimes makes me long for the single days.  The other day Jordan and I went to Superstore sans kids and we couldn’t believe how easy and fast leaving the house and shopping was. We were gone for less than 40 minutes and managed to shop, pay, and drive there and back.  It was amazing and surreal!  I also miss having time to shower and eat in peace, but we’ll get there eventually.  Give it 18 more years, right?

It’s also crazy how different two babies can be.  Gabriel is ALL about Mom, poor Dad is left in the dark.  And will NOT sleep alone.  It’s like pulling teeth! He finally took the soother yesterday as well, but will spit that baby out if things don’t go his way!  Sofia on the other hand?  Was sleeping in her crib, in her room at one month.  She wouldn’t take the soother and would go to both Jordan and myself.  But she was a crier!  Partly likely due to the sans soother problem. I’m hoping to curb Gabriel’s crying habits with a baby carrier (as well as soother…wish I had done this more with Sofia, but oh well).  I can only carry the little gaffer so long before my arms start to give out.  He’s also gaining weight like crazy, so if he keeps this up the arm pain will only get worse!  Another difference?  Gabriel is a GREAT eater.  Prefers breastfeeding to bottle and we haven’t had to supplement, whereas with Sofia I was pumping, nursing and supplementing to maintain her weight.  It’s so refreshing to not have to really worry about that this time, except for the non-stop feeding spurts that Gabe has.  The boy wants to eat all.the.time.  Wears a girl out!

We’re also still dealing with jealousy issues with Sofia and working on establishing new routines and traditions with our family of 4.  It’s difficult when she can remember a time when she was the only one and can reference specific events and dates.   I know it’ll get better but it’s challenging, especially early in the morning when she just doesn’t want to listen.  Also frustrating when she dotes on her little brother, but then carries around a picture of the 3 of us , kissing it, saying…I miss when it was just us 3…

I’m happy to announce that despite the big changes we’ve gone through, my depression and anxiety have so far been under control.  There are some days where I’m not sure I can handle everything as I seem to have forgotten some things about babies and newborns, then adding in another kid on top of it, but I’m feeling MUCH better than what I was back in October.  The big thing I’m dealing with is lack of sleep, especially since Gabe likes to get up at 3/4 am after getting to bed around 11/midnight.  Sometimes I can’t fall back asleep so that mixed in with endless morning cries makes me feel a little crazy some days.  Then add in Sofia’s daily morning meltdown because I wasn’t able to help her get dressed and I’m done before the day even begins.  Looking forward to sleeping again one day!  Just hoping it’s in the near future.  Must remind myself not to compare Gabe to Sofia in case he doesn’t sleep 12hrs come 6 months old…:p

Here are some updated Sofia quotes to end off my post.  One thing I’ve started working on again are these, so hopefully I can keep writing them down before my lack of brain forgets.  Enjoy and Happy Friday!  😀

Holding Gabe..

I’m saving him from you.  Muhahahaha!!

Just an FYI, Mya..

I know you love him but you have to be good [for the record, Mya was sleeping on the couch at the time, lol]

One more thing..

Mya, when you scratch I can see your bum

On crying in the car seat..

Brother just cries in there.  I never hear him say, ‘it’s okay, I’ll be alright’.

Valentine’s from a boy [it read that he thought Sofia was pretty]..

Why does he say this and then calls me stupid?  That doesn’t make any sense.

..One Month..

..One Month..

..One Month..

* Family and sibling photos are credit to Lisa with O’Snap Photography, who is absolutely fantastic!!*

..Gabriel James’ Arrival..

On January 21 at 5:42 we welcomed our second child, Gabriel James, into the world. After suffering with cholestasis and going through non-stress tests, blood tests, and doctor visits, I had been scheduled for an induction on January 28 at 38 weeks. I laughed that baby had his own agenda and decided to come spontaneously on the 21st instead (at 37 weeks). He’s a genius already Wink

In the early morning of the 21st, I felt a gush of fluid and lost part of my mucus plug. Not knowing if it was actually my water breaking, just fluid from the mucus plug or possibly leaking amniotic fluid, I went to the hospital to be checked. At this time I didn’t think I’d be giving birth this day but I hurried to finish packing my hospital bag; unfortunately, I didn’t bring them with me (I was in denial!) AND we still hadn’t installed our car seat yet. Not wanting to bug Jordan at work, I had my Mom come with me.

The hospital assessed me and wanted me to stay two hours to monitor the fluid. I’m pretty sure the nurses thought I’d be getting sent home that day as I was having contractions but they weren’t consistent and due to my history this pregnancy of braxton hicks, it wasn’t too unusual. My Mom left around 11:30 to pick up Sofia from school and my sister, graciously, came to be with me, as I still didn’t want to take Jord away from work in case nothing happened. Then around 12:15, Jacquie had been there for about 10ish minutes, my water ruptured. All over me and my bed. I’ve never been so relieved to not have this happen at home as there was meconium present and everything I was wearing turned brown (they hadn’t put me in a hospital gown so I was in my street clothes).  So gross!

I was then sent up to labour and delivery and suddenly reality set in that I was having a baby today! I wasn’t sure how fast things would go either as my water didn’t break until transition with Sofia, so I frantically texted Jordan to get to the hospital. Around 1pm they checked my cervix and I was dilated 3cm. Due to the meconium, I was checked more often in case it turned black, so I was assessed almost every 20mins to ensure baby was not in distress.

We never timed my contractions but I could tell they were getting closer and more painful. I didn’t start off having bad back pain but as labour progressed, so did back labour. Poor Jord’s job was to ensure pressure was exerted on my back at all times. I laboured in the shower for a bit and on all 4’s swinging my hips in the hopes baby would turn, no such luck.At around 5pm, I started feeling more pressure – like I had to go to the bathroom. The nurse checked me and I was only 3-4 cms dilated but could feel things starting to pick up. Contractions were coming closer together and there was a lot of pressure down below. Decided to try some laughing gas to take the edge off and for the most part it seemed to work (well, according to Jord and my sister anyway, I guess I’d lay there after in a content state – this I didn’t notice so much but I believe them Tongue). The tricky thing was sucking enough of the gas in and trying to breathe at the same time, while enduring contractions. My nurse was amazing though and coached me through it.

This is where things picked up. The nurses didn’t really believe how fast things would go at the time and did they ever laugh about it after!

I started feeling more pressure so I was checked again, this time was 5cm dilated. Then I REALLY felt like I had ‘to go’ about 10mins later and I was 6cm dilated. The nurses started running around like crazy getting things ready and paging my doctor (who was at the hospital but waiting around for things to happen). In a span of about 20mins I was at 8cm dilated and ready to push by 5:30pm. I pushed about 3-4 times and could feel my little man coming. The pain was a bit worse than I remember from my first baby but I was relieved to not have the epi so I knew what was happening and when to push. This time I did feel the ‘ring of fire’ when his head came through. I’ve never been so relieved to have such great coaches reminding me not to scream but to let it go from within (my sister said at one point it sounded like I was doing tribal chants, hehe).

Gabriel James was born at 5:42pm, weighing 7lbs 2oz and 20 inches long. He came out so fast that his face was bruised, but luckily he was crying and loud so they weren’t worried about him swallowing the meconium. And for being 3 weeks early he was a great size!

Due to my fast labour, my uterus had some difficulties shrinking and getting the clots out, so the nurses had to really press on it – which I think was more painful than the entire labour itself! Luckily I didn’t have any issues and they were able to get it going.

We made sure Sofia was the first to see Gabe and she was instantly attached. She wants to hold him all the time, read and sing to him.  It’s so sweet.  Just hoping her attachment issues with us calm down a bit and soon.  Not even 4 hours after coming home from the hospital was she asking why Gabe wasn’t helping with her chores.  Haha, such a stinker.

..Gabriel James' Arrival..

..Gabriel James' Arrival..

..Gabriel James' Arrival..

..I Will Succeed..

Wednesday started out rough.  Had a difficult time getting out of bed, felt so incredibly tired and rundown that I just wanted to cancel my plans and hibernate under the covers all day.  Instead, I dragged myself up, got dressed, did my hair, makeup and made myself something to eat.  It literally took all the energy I could muster but I did it and managed to get out of the house in time to make the appointment I had at 10:45.  I indulged in a haircut, which was honestly badly badly needed anyway, but the hope was that it would help me feel better.  And I was right.  After leaving I felt a surge of positivity.  I was still feeling tired but pushed through and headed on with my day.  It would have been easier to just drive back home and curl up on the couch watching tv and surfing the net but I refused to give in.

I managed to get myself to David’s Tea (for yet another indulgence), lunch with my Mom, the flu shot clinic with Sofia, Superstore for some groceries, made some pasta sauce for dinner, and carved pumpkins with the hubby, Sofia, and my sister.  All-in-all ended up becoming a great day and I’m pretty happy I didn’t stay in bed wallowing away and gradually feeling worse as the day went on.

It’s not an easy task though.  Most times my brain overrules my mind and especially if I’m out in public, my fight-or-flight response kicks in and I’m fleeing.  Much easier to handle myself in a situation I can control.  I’m fighting through it though.  Trying to get out more and do things despite my anxiety-fleeing feelings.  I even drove on the freeway today despite the sweaty panic attack that ensued prior to embarking on the exit ramp.  One step at a time, right?  And one day at a time.  I will succeed.  I will beat this.

Thursday is a new day.  Hoping to tackle some household chores and enjoy Halloween.  Looking forward to trick-or-treating with my Fia girl and looting through her treats at the end of the night.  Did I just admit that? Ummm, … it’ll be our little secret 😉

Happy Halloween everyone!

..I Will Succeed..

..One thing to note, when you’ve just had the flu shot, it’s best not to viciously itch said arm and vulnerable area.  Ouch..

..This Is Me..

I decided to write this post today not to depress people but to get out my feelings.  I’m an anxious person and carry my heart on my sleeve WAY too much (or rather, I’m too sensitive as some would say).  I briefly mentioned in my last post how I’ve been struggling and having a rough time.  I’ve decided it’s time I talk about it openly as it’s not something you hear talked about too often (I should clarify, a lot of woman go through this but it’s not commonly talked about).

I’ve been diagnosed with prenatal depression and am currently working on getting better.  It’s a slow, slow process and every day is a different struggle for me.  Some days just getting dressed makes me so anxious I have to take a breather, never mind having a deadline or needing to be somewhere at a certain time.

There are times when I’m outright afraid of this pregnancy thing. Afraid of the tired. Afraid of the labour.of the sleepness nights…of my life changing without being able to control any of it. Your body changes so dramatically and so quickly its overwhelming. You feel different, emotions run high, it’s hard. There are amazing benefits to it as well, obviously the end result is what makes it all worth while but it’s the getting there that is frustrating and long.

I’m afraid of feeling trapped in my body, of wanting just a moments relief from the internal squashing of organs so I can breathe easy again.  I’m afraid that I still have four and a half months to go and it already takes me what feels like five minutes to pee.  I’m afraid of how big I’ll be this time around when I’m already this uncomfortable and gaining more than last time.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to hold my Fia girl on my lap much longer and it makes me sad…

I’m afraid that I complain too much and I’m not grateful enough for being pregnant.  I’m afraid I’m too truthful about things that it turns people away from me.  I just want to be me.  It sucks and it’s hard and difficult to know who to talk to and how to turn to people for help.  It’s tough to explain how exhausted and overwhelmed I feel on a daily basis.

All that being said, I am taking steps to help myself.  I can’t take care of my new baby and Sofia feeling this way and I want to be a good Mom and feel happy again.  It’ll come along, just slowly.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story…