..This Is Me..

I decided to write this post today not to depress people but to get out my feelings.  I’m an anxious person and carry my heart on my sleeve WAY too much (or rather, I’m too sensitive as some would say).  I briefly mentioned in my last post how I’ve been struggling and having a rough time.  I’ve decided it’s time I talk about it openly as it’s not something you hear talked about too often (I should clarify, a lot of woman go through this but it’s not commonly talked about).

I’ve been diagnosed with prenatal depression and am currently working on getting better.  It’s a slow, slow process and every day is a different struggle for me.  Some days just getting dressed makes me so anxious I have to take a breather, never mind having a deadline or needing to be somewhere at a certain time.

There are times when I’m outright afraid of this pregnancy thing. Afraid of the tired. Afraid of the labour.of the sleepness nights…of my life changing without being able to control any of it. Your body changes so dramatically and so quickly its overwhelming. You feel different, emotions run high, it’s hard. There are amazing benefits to it as well, obviously the end result is what makes it all worth while but it’s the getting there that is frustrating and long.

I’m afraid of feeling trapped in my body, of wanting just a moments relief from the internal squashing of organs so I can breathe easy again.  I’m afraid that I still have four and a half months to go and it already takes me what feels like five minutes to pee.  I’m afraid of how big I’ll be this time around when I’m already this uncomfortable and gaining more than last time.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to hold my Fia girl on my lap much longer and it makes me sad…

I’m afraid that I complain too much and I’m not grateful enough for being pregnant.  I’m afraid I’m too truthful about things that it turns people away from me.  I just want to be me.  It sucks and it’s hard and difficult to know who to talk to and how to turn to people for help.  It’s tough to explain how exhausted and overwhelmed I feel on a daily basis.

All that being said, I am taking steps to help myself.  I can’t take care of my new baby and Sofia feeling this way and I want to be a good Mom and feel happy again.  It’ll come along, just slowly.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story…

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