..Found My Happy..

​I am 33.  But I feel younger.  I look at my kids sometimes and think.. they can’t be mine!  I’m not old enough to have kids yet – let alone TWO of them.  I’M NOT READY!  ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!  Then I realize I AM old enough and they’re MY responsibility.  Scary stuff.  I’m molding them into the people they’re going to be and I don’t know about you, but that’s a lot of pressure on a person!  Don’t get me wrong, I love being a Mom!  It’s one of the greatest jobs I have and those little souls mean the world to me.  I just feel like a kid some days myself and feel loaded down by responsibility.. keeping a full time job, maintaining a house, paying bills, getting out of debt, saving for the future.. if I could tell my younger self anything, it would be to slow it down.  Don’t be too excited to grow up!  ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM AND INNOCENCE! The grass isn’t totally greener on the other side, it’s just another shade of brown, with different responsibilities, worries and fears.

I no longer worry about where we’re going to party at this weekend – now it’s, how am I going to pay for my car to be fixed?  Where am I getting the money for a new furnace?  Time to book the dog’s shots and our teeth cleanings.  Better budget for groceries this week.  Not exactly the same.

Obviously this change happens to everyone and you look back and long for those days again.. but I’ve also come to realize that things aren’t THAT bad.  I feel more secure with taking care of the kids in my 30s.  I felt completely unprepared in my 20s taking care of Sofia, and this time around it wasn’t as scary.   I feel more confidant in myself and no longer really care how I look and whether I have all the new and glittery things.  I do have what matters and that is what counts.
I’ve found my happy.  In my 20’s I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, what I wanted to be when I ‘grew up’.. I still am debating with this notion but I’m getting closer to finding it.  I create and I love it!  I still work a full time job but I’m able to do what I love on the side and it makes me happy.  Fills my heart with joy.  I’ve taught myself new things and it’s exciting!
While the future is still a little scary and I’m unsure what to expect, I feel better prepared for the journey.  My kids are just not allowed to grow older.  They must stay little and cute for a long time or at least until I’m ready.. and maybe feel old?

Mom, why do you keep saying to stop growing up?  I can’t.  I have to turn 7..

..Found My Happy..

..Longing..

Today I long for..

My baby boy’s hairs back.  Now he looks like a big boy and I can no longer play with his soft locks.  The mullet is now gone but so is my baby..

Sofia’s innocence back.  She can now read and have real conversations and opinions and while it’s good, it just means she’s growing up.  And fast.  And I’m not ready!

To snuggle my boy, nuzzle my nose into his hair and breath in his baby scent.. instead it’s 2 seconds of hugs and.. sorry Mom, there are microwave buttons I need to push and a toilet to bathe in. Let’s save that hug for another time, ok?

The last year back.  Maternity leave, while stressful in it’s own way, was so much fun and I enjoyed being off with my kids.  This summer will not be the same.

A time when life wasn’t full of responsibilities, routine, meal planning and bills.  Would be nice to just let loose, not worry about financial ramifications, waking up tired and feeling like an old cranky lady.  Even a slight sleep-in would be delightful.

But alas..time continues chugging on..

..Longing..

..Struggles..

I forget sometimes that time doesn’t stop moving.  It keeps going and life keeps happening and people keep growing.  But when you seem to be stuck in one spot nothing seems to move.  Time becomes stagnant and long and never-ending.  But the people around you don’t.  Feels like you’re sitting on the sidelines watching as everyone else drifts by living their lives.  I want to reach out and grab on and ride alongside..
I went back to work in February.  From the moment I started, Gabriel has been sick three times, including two hospital visits.  My Grandma suddenly passed away.  We traveled to Regina and then Saskatoon in a two week span.  I had a sinus infection that lasted two weeks and felt like my teeth were going to fall out.  I am done.  I want my goofy boy back.  Healthy, with no runny noses, wheezy breaths or long sleepless nights.  I want to enjoy my kids and not worry if I’ll be running to the hospital again in a few week’s time.  I want to be happy and not stressed about what might be around the corner.
Staying positive is one of the toughest challenges for me.  Not that I love the negative, but it’s easy to get sucked into the vortex of unhappy thoughts and set up camp for awhile.  It’s a shift in thinking and I’m not so good at that sometimes!
How do you keep positive?  What do you do to be happy?
..struggle..

..Falling Into Photos..

I love pictures. I love fall. There’s no better combination in my opinion than those two.  Add in a fall challenge and I’m in heaven! Fall is hands down one of the best seasons for photography – the colors, the colors, the colors!!!  Did I mention the colors?  Just breathtaking!  I’m also new to the photo taking world.  I’ve been wanting to learn for many years now but have never had the time or the proper equipment to do so.  So when my sister asked me if I wanted her old Canon Rebel DSLR I couldn’t say no!  I just won’t say WHEN she actually gave me that camera though.. 😉

My first challenge is called Project 52.  I basically take photos once a week for a year.  I wanted to do a 365 challenge but there’s too much going on right now and I didn’t want to overwhelm myself right off the bat.  I may take pictures more than once a week or maybe even less (hopefully not!), learn a bunch of new techniques along the way and hopefully get good (and bad) criticisms on my photos.

Without further ado..

..Falling Into Photos..

 

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Kids (well, babies) are by far the most difficult to photograph.  I really struggle with how to capture Gabriel without it being blurry or disjointed.  I’ve read to keep the shutter speed at around 1/125 for children but it doesn’t always happen indoors with the lack of light.  I’m trying to work with it but it’s a big learning curve for me.  If only he would just.sit.still!!!  At least for a minute…or two…

Having said that, older children are great!  Sofia is awesome to photograph (when she’s in the mood that is!!) and we’ve been able to capture a lot of great shots.  She doesn’t like to admit it, but she enjoys looking at the pictures and posing.

..Falling Into Photos..

..Falling Into Photos..

..Falling Into Photos..

I just realized all my photos posted are to the ‘right’ of view.  This was NOT deliberate and I promise, I DO have other views.  They just didn’t turn out..

..Falling Into Photos..

What happens when you roll around in the leaves, weeds, and grass to shoot.  It’s an itchy job, but I’ll take it!

..Falling Into Photos..

 

My loves ❤

 

..Falling Into Photos..

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..Sofiaisms, Walks, Parks, and.. Sharks?..

We have a lot of conversations on our walks.  A lot.  Honestly, half the time I can’t understand half of them.  Sofia has her own little language and stories and we discuss what seems like a million topics at once.  We go through them so quickly I have trouble keeping up some times.  Add in Gabriel, whatever he’s doing (which is mainly whining from budding teeth lately) and I’m completely lost!

Lately conversation has focused primarily on sharks.  I don’t understand why either.  We don’t live by them, or even remotely close to the ocean.  Either way, it’s an amusing topic that creates a lot of laughter and discussion.

The first time sharks entered the conversation was while walking home from a small park in the neighborhood next to us earlier this month.  We happened to see a bunny sitting on someone’s lawn, completely not moving and continued camping out even after we walked by.  Of course Sofia was excited and immediately wanted to approach it.. Continue reading

..Let’s Talk About, Carrots..

I’ve become ‘that’ parent.  The parent who states she wants to try baby led weaning this time instead of rice cereal, purees, then finger foods (if you’re lost on what baby led weaning means, as it is a strange term for letting your child feed themselves from the very start) but then once we start, babe breaks off a piece of carrot, I freak out, grabs the food from his mouth and proceed to cut it into super small pieces.

Turns out I’m petrified of Gabriel choking.  So scared I startled him more by pulling the food out of his mouth when he probably could have dealt with it himself.  Sigh.  Now I have food-related anxiety on top of everything else (aka driving, leaving them, you name it..).  Wonderful!!!  Looks like we’ll just continue to give him food we’re eating but just mush it up into little pieces and feed via a spoon.  Oh, and did I mention I also don’t trust anyone else to feed him but myself?  It’s bad but I’m working on it.  One day at a time..

..Let's Talk About, Carrots..

Don’t let these pictures fool you either, the boy LOVED carrots!!  You know, when I wasn’t forcibly yanking them out of his poor mouth.  We’ve also tried some chicken and a red pepper, which also went over well.  And a cucumber.  He seemed confused about what that was though..